HELL

The picture of hell is devils poking you into the hell of fire 🔥 for all the bad action that you have taken in this life on earth 🌎. You maybe wondering 🤔 why would I write ✍️ something like this. You may wonder 🤔 what is the curious manner of this writing.

When you are angry 😡 with yourself and other people’s opinions feeds into you and you don’t know where to vent the frustration on or you lash out at others and others don’t like it or their feelings hurt. Guess what? 🎧 Listening to grapevine gossips and killing yourself unnecessarily to ‘HELL’.

The worst part is handling yourself into the hand of others is ‘HELL JOB’. Now this person whom you hand your life over after job orientation or just begin a new day at work. The employer wants to see what you say is equal to what you do and does the employer and newbie  can fit the work together. Once the employer can trust, value your work  and build you up bit by bit. Then the employer lets you loose is when you need to trust yourself and do the minimal mistakes and in an organisation each and every worker has their own duty or part that builds the organisation or company. When everyone is doing well, the company or organisation profit too..

However when the company is running low in profit, trouble starts, the wonderful work you were doing wasn’t that wonderful after all. This is called the change of management. Your employer will find fault with every little thing you did or might be doing to their latest gossip or informat giving funny 🤣 🤣 🤣 stories just to spite you. The question ⁉️ ❓. You know that deep inside you all that have been said about you is not true and you decided to make a fortress together with soldiers and whomever to join the battlefield. You feel you are pawned yourself on the chest board moving an unnecessary wastage time on soldier, knight, bishop and the queen and king to make the operation successful. In the you realized this too is not worth the call because now you are bedridden, too sick, too tired, too broke and yet you do this because it is a paid duty to deliver and face the responsibility with all your might.

Even though the job you were once doing a wonderful job have turned spiral downwards. No matter how hard you tried to pickup yourself. No support, no motivation, nobody you can trust anymore though you have just received a paycheck to set your net value and other colleagues have bypass you. You have no energy or life to move on. You are distaughter beyond your means and made a mistake of handing your life over to them.  The worst day of your life is  to be given a dead sentence to leave. Find your way for all you have learn and be more productive than you ever been. Rises above the circumstances you can.

Good ridden for that “SUCKERS EMPLOYER”  for  giving you the dead sentence. All that education given by mam for the undivided attention for you to seek a passion of interest to follow my destiny to serve others in the  fullfilling this life. All  you did was to  fail and fail over and again,  you had failed to keep your own torch on fire 🔥 to breathe the opportunity of life. 

The lost hope, despair, frustration, tiredness of working long hours to give up all for what? What is my value and net worth I ask on myself? 

Why did I do with this experience that i gathered as knowledge and capability? What is the experience benefit that I gained? Where has all these gone too? What do I do now and am I redundant  to the eye of the employer’s market? No matter how many jobs I tried or I didn’t get? Or was this another test, too?

Is this  another road of discovery for myself? I have to do this again with some support from family and learn what is working for them? How will this work on me? Research on me for a start or what I don’t like about myself?  Pray so hard 🙏🙏🙏 and be thankful I can I am still happy and grateful to be here.

I make the prayer work for me to seek the new teachers, books, online learning, e-book to move away from the past and go forward into the present moment. To live in the present moment only in this second and after the second move behind that is the past.

So I keep listening 🎧 to more online learning and second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month, year by year  this will get better…it did and it wasn’t enough. Not enough to leave the past forever. I wanted my past to be erased like rubber on the paper to rewrite my new look….this is still not enough for me at all.

You wondered is this another test? Do I have to do every single test of each thought in my mind to break the obstacle one by one to move on to the next and next? Is this is the road of discovery to do the unheard off? To face the unwelcoming music or hung in shame to go back to the frog shell.

I faced the responsibility, do the research while too sick to work for almost 1.5 years down to spiral road and over and under to road of recovery. I learned to pray 🙏 more hard than ever and research the destiny number and just me to road of recovery to find my voice that I once lost.

I had rashes all over my body, elephants legs that was either too much walking or standing. When I sit, my legs would swell up to a golf ball leg. it was unbearable. I had lost my voice and all the actions I did it on to myself. 

The BIG JOKE 🤣 😂 I was  so  use to this lifestyle despite all the warnings of my feet, body, neck and face. I hated looking at the mirror 🪞  reflecting me. I think I am the cause of this ignorance and the unawareness that eat me up every seconds. I wanted out fast and still co tinue chanting and prayer. It got better for while than went down.

I swim upward to the surface just to keep afloat.

I still sink struggling to keep afloat. Everyday I was giving a douse of  warning signs, storytelling from the family members to take care of your health. “HEALTH IS WEALTH. WEALTH IS HEALTH” ..I realized it was only the family members want you to do better for yourself will tell you this. NOT OUTSIDER.

How can I learn from them? What is the key message to this? Why am I still in the spiral-fall?

The once in a lifetime trip to remember was my sister’s last trip  graduation 🎓🎓🎓🎓….Hooray 🎉🎉🎉 she made it. I was so proud of her in those pictures the grin on my signature smiling face brighted up and was celebrated with my mother. I had the most awesome 💯  trip of the adventure on learning to plan, kill and execute style… so much of adventure and fun. Despite mom coughing all the way and we all thoroughly enjoyed the best laughter of all.

When we came back, 360 degree turn of unawareness and ignorance I had so far fell apart.  Despite all the happiness I had. Dad was elsewhere. Mom got sick and I too had fallen sick . I  felt burning lava just got disrupted from my body…why am I falling apart?

I think I wanted to follow my Mom to the hospital and see the same doctor.  Mom ended up in the hospital the next day. I also ended in the same hospital two weeks from now. I was so sick and didn’t realised I crashed the car the same day after dropping off my mom..

Could the day get any worse than this? This time I wasn’t in shock, feeling of anxiety, fear and just a blank face looked. Is this another test of hell to see how badly do I  want out this time?

I closed my eyes for a second. Think of what was the early crashes or almost die incident  I had overcome before? How am I going to change this and what is the step one by one? My mom came down, why can’t you be more careful? Or I couldn’t remember what she said to me that day? She walked home. 

There I was all alone in that moment of no value and only that belief that I trust myself.

I pickup up and fixed myself  up again. Then I asked myself, I got another test?

I whilst my way through and got all the help I did to do with new help I got. This time it seemed easier. I had less anxiety though I mixed 2 cups of coffee to kill this anxiety and nausea I had. I plan to prepare and plan to succeed this time. I felt the hellish life I once had is gone.  I had just  lifted me up to the surface. The sense of relief and responsibility is a lesson.

What’s the next test for me? I went to the hospital to care for her. At the same, I think I got worst. By the second day, I bought forward the appointment and admitted myself to hospital, car loss and helping hand from sister. The sudden loss of car without any profit and I extended leave.  

I didn’t realised how sick I was unaware it was like ‘deja vu’ again the same sense and different  more difficult obstacles to break. Is this a test again?

This was the last in my mind..”HATED HOSPITAL”

Down with sinuses I never gotten sinus in my life… the hereditary father’s side got those sinus problem. That was the last thing in my mind.

You are sick in the hospital bed and happen to have a visit from your sister. “Your world 🌎 fallen is failed world and attention-seeker.”

What a BULL_EYED 🎯 target… she hit me where I did it the most.

Another test to search the  attention-seeker while pondering in sick in hospital with medicine 💊, injections , test after test just get better. You searched how to undo the attention seeker, get pass this obstacle and how it happen.

You will discover the following:The obsession of self-improvement has always been eliminate attention-seeker. Why am I doing this to myself? It is a consistent reminder of the past moving to the light. I had to dig down and over and under and to the right, left, up into this self conscious life.

Why is this a constant bore? What is the reason behind attention-seeker? How did it happen? Why am I still in this spiral-up and spiral-fall stuck?

Going back in time…….

The reason behind this is starts when I was suppose to sit for an exam and came back told my mother that tomorrow is a holiday. The next day, the Neighbour Aunty and daughter came over for tea time. They usually love to visit the Neighbor’s house for showcasing the latest highlight on each other family doings as a housewife’s pass-time and their daughter together with me played the whole day happily.

Then neighbour told my mom, “How come your daugther didn’t go to school? “.

My mom replied, “My daughter says no school.”

The neighbour told my mom that was a important test in school and didn’t attend.

My mom gave the glaring look at me and didn’t say anyhing. She waited for the neighbour to go back.

After the neighbour went back , she asked me ” Why didn’t you go to school today?” .

I replied back, “I am afraid to take the exams because I always get cane by father, I always failed the paper. He doesn’t teach me or help me out with the homework and only know how to cane me”. Why should I go to school?”.

Then my mom sighed. She explained to me. The reason why I have to go school to have a better future and you can choose the jobs you would like to work in. If I worked harder and get better grades, you can go for higher education. I didn’t take the hint then as I was just a kid. Maybe I didn’t get it or I didn’t realized how important this lesson was and how this effect me in my growing up or see this has a repeated performance throughout years to come.

Now I know the reason behind this and have to overcome this mistake that I am still struggling with. I always rises up fast and fall down faster than ever. I hate what I did to myself and seek the reason why I still continue to do this. I had come out with some kind of explanation why does this continue to happen till now? I decided to divert attention as a attention-seeker to writing as this has given me a closure to discover how can I overcome this obstacle and break it for good.

The Elimination of attention-seeker:

1) By training myself to focus on the tasks and responsiblities. I can resist distractions and delay gratification.

2) Reducing attention-seeker significantly.

The story is I train my thoughts and force myself to write all the goals I want to set in a day. I wrote down a goal book where I write down in smaller steps how to reach the goal. I draw up a schedule for myself by timing my day. 10 minutes before the next dead time, I prepare myself and do the task. After I finish doing this, I read the next task and move from there.

By doing this, I realized I can divert my mind and thought pattern to the goal I set. I still do half-way task because like the lesson of an important exam. However this time, even though I do half-way task I still go back to the other half task to pursue the difficult challenges to overcome and pray very hard to do this. This task has become a responsible to finish what I start to the end. This has given me a scent of accomplishing small little task and doing my best not to rest on the laurel. Thinking another tomorrow I can do others. This is a wasted time if you can me.

I feel relieved now knowing I should pursue of being attention-seeker challenges.

This is a discovery after searching the how to eliminate

attention-seeker dose.

Like the scene in school – student want to avoid the test, so they put off their work.

The reasons – delaying and avoiding are rooted in fear and anxiety about doing poorly.

We avoid doing work to avoid our abilities been challenged or judged.

The root to overcome attention-seeker solution:

is AWARENESS

ASSESS

OUTLOOK

COMMIT

Change the self-talk from

“I wish…….I hadn’t…….Say.

INSTEAD

“I WILL….”

TO KILL LONELINESS

Do all the difficult work or grunt work and be responsible as quickly as possible and don’t hesitate. The moment you hesitate you will go back to your own way and very difficult to pull yourself up. You need to pull yourself up because nobody will hold your hand and walk through you step by step.

I need to lift myself up and I own myself a better self-improvement of myself. I deserved to better in seeking self-improvement. I researched and find mentor through ‘youtube channel’ , ‘e-book’ that will help me to overcome this obstacles. Then I ponder, think how can I change my decision to do better as I hate this current picture that I am in. Then I tell myself make a decision even for the smallest thing like the lotion have the expiry date , I liked the product and it wasn’t finish. I wanted to keep it to use then throw. I realized I couldn’t even make a decision at that moment the 1st time. After 4 hours later, I went back to the expiry date lotion and told myself “Make decision? Are am sure inside me -going blank and no answer coming out from me? ” I made a small important decision to finally throw the expired dated lotion into the waste basket. I felt so relieved after doing that. I wondered what other attention-seeker story can I improve on.