The change

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

The positive change I made in my inner deity was wanting it to stop—because in my detrimental childhood, I was the hero who went in between my parents’ fights to stop them from hurting each other. My father always felt insecure and put my mother down, though she was capable and simply not given opportunities. She had to find her own, and the trouble only grew deeper.

The biggest blow to me was that I wanted the pain to end. If you were a kid like me and happened to be in the same situation, you’d understand. No child should ever be in such a position. Having a child means the parents must provide a safe environment—or better yet, don’t have kids and don’t get married at all. Play it safe.

The losing part of this war was easy. At that time, getting my father to stop hurting my mother was easier than dealing with the emotional toll. Once, in the temple where the family prayed, I went into a trance as a child. The temple people said that if a child goes into a trance, it means divinity is speaking through them. Guess what? In that trance, I dragged my father all over the temple so that he would stop hurting my mother. It worked—but only temporarily.

My father, suffering from deep insecurities, told my mom she couldn’t get a job at her age. She was 42 when she returned to work. He had depleted all her properties and savings to zero—gambling away her wealth and giving money to his sisters, even though their children were grown, had grandkids, and were all well-off.

Through thick and thin, the trauma still lingers. It invaded every single stage of my life and affected me deeply—unlike my two siblings, who survived. I am letting go of the pain. I forgive myself for undergoing such suffering. I’m uncovering the depths of this trauma to end it once and for all.

During my teenage years, I rebelled because I hated all relationships with boys or men at every stage of life. I saw men as manipulative, easily jealous, envious, and destructive—especially when it came to finance, love, hatred, and bringing more unwanted children into the world, children who would then suffer too. I was the one most affected by my father’s manipulative stories. I often asked myself: were these stories even true, or just made up? I also questioned his motives. I certainly didn’t trust his relatives—his nieces and nephews were rubbish people, though respected in society.

This all ties into my pursuit of faith and devotion. All prayers can be answered through the sincerity and openness of my heart. I gained strength by chanting regularly. As the saying goes, “God helps those who help themselves.” I help myself by writing down goals, pursuing them until they are completed, and not focusing on results that might idle the mind—just as the Bhagavad Gita teaches, in a simplified version I’ve created for myself. Prayer has always worked for me.

The biggest crime I committed was through meditation. Meditation is supposed to bring calm and peace of mind. But when wrongly interpreted or misused, it can attract negativity and even black magic. This negative energy had a deadly effect on my mind. I started hearing unwanted sounds that fed on fear, doubt, anxiety, frustration, and even madness. I asked myself: how can I stop this and create opportunity for myself? I wanted this pain to go away.

Opportunity came when my sister told me to visit a psychic who could see these things. I worked hard, saved money, and went. I told her what crime I had committed against myself. She said the meditation I practiced had attracted the wrong energies, and I needed to stop it altogether. She gave me a quote to recite repeatedly until I regained peace of mind.

I also burned the names that brought negativity into this household and am sincerely trying to release all this pain and trauma. I finally stopped my negative sickness by stopping meditation. It worked. My head still needs more clearing from the emptiness, with all the harmful energies that had taken their toll on me.

It has been five days and counting. I have music playing in my mind softly—but it’s not mine. I do not like music, and I want it to stop. How do I get rid of this other madness?

I still remember my father’s manipulation. He had a bad habit—when he had bills to pay, he procrastinated. He gave money to his foolish sisters, even though their children were grown, working, and well-off. I don’t understand—why did he give them money when his own family was suffering?

His sisters didn’t care about his growing family. Their selfishness was the root cause of all this catastrophe. Why didn’t my father fight for his family? Why did he fight with everyone else until he became infamous and no one wanted anything to do with him? When people heard his name, they fell silent. His main turmoil was his sisters. He didn’t stand up for himself, and their bullying, black magic, and lies destroyed him.

Every time he went broke, his sisters told him to “kill the golden goose,” which was my mother. That’s why I still have a restraining relationship with them. Because of his procrastination in paying bills, I too developed that bad habit. But I’ve recognized it’s not good for me.

To break this long-standing habit, I told myself to list all my procrastination on an A5 paper—writing down goals with the date they were set—and see how long I take to complete them. Since 20.1.25, I’ve been making duplicate goals of the same type. Though I read them over and over again like a nagging voice pushing me forward, I still experience breakdowns and burnouts more often than not.

I change my tactics or strategies just to break the goals I set. I create ideas to earn the highest income possible in a day to cover the obstacles I created. I reward myself afterward by paying myself. After all, the only reason people work is to pay bills they themselves created, right?

But I wonder—if I’m working to pay bills, how do I earn extra to save? I still don’t fully understand this. I feel the energy on my face and try my best not to think about it. Ironically, I remind myself to stay grounded in the present moment.

I keep my faith in chanting, devotion, and divinity. I believe this has been one of my deepest quests: to uncover the trauma I’ve gone through and heal from it. My goal is to resolve old wounds so I can move forward—and never repeat the same situation again, even if it returns in a different form.